Query Critique

When I started this blog, Miss Snark most generously graced it with a visit. In typical Miss S fashion, she said that if I intended to mock rejections, then readers should have a right to mock my query. I politely informed her that I may be a nitwit, but I'm not that much of a nitwit.

Still, as I read Miss S's occasional feedback on queries, as well as the Crapometer and Evil Editor, I'm intrigued by the process of opening one's self up to such public critique. I've said all along that I have no illusions about my query being the best thing since the invention of movable type, but neither do I think it rubbish. (I am enough of a non-nitwit to know better than to send out rubbish posing as a professional query seeking publication for my novel.)

E2 is a decent editor of queries. The feedback given is often very good. The Crapometer is almost always useful, but some of the critiques remind me of the cliche about a group of blind people trying to get from point A to point B.

My personal theory is that I can learn from everything I encounter, if I'm open to the learning. I am not perfect in the openness part, but I do try. Perhaps someday soon I'll gird up my loins sufficiently so as to submit my query to one of the aforementioned critiques. We shall see.

PS -- Still waiting on the partials. I'm not anxious about it, and hope that the delay is because the agents in receipt of them are so engrossed by my writing that they keep reading it over and over.

Rejection

A rejection showed up in today's e-mail. This one was worse than many others. No salutation - not even the ubiquitous "Dear Author". Just started right in. It was clearly a standard form rejection. (Again, I understand the practical need for such, but refuse to excuse the banality of them.)

Here is an excerpt:

"While we at XXX Agency have every confidence of your ability and talent as a writer, your query does not meet our current needs.

"We wish you all the best in your pursuit of representation and publication."

There are several problems with this pat and condescending response:

1. If you actually do believe in my abilities, but I just don't happen to fit your list, then give me the name of an agent whose list you think I do fit. Anything less is bullshitting on your part.

2. While I realize that some writers do just cluster bomb agents at random with queries for books about polar bears in Antartica, I do not. I also choose to believe that I am not unusual in doing research on what agents have sold, what they claim to "like" on places like Agent Query and Publishers Marketplace, and query accordingly. Therefore, if I am sending an agent a query, it is because a book on her list bears a resemblance in genre or style to my own. To just say it "doesn't fit" means that: a) the information these agents are posting about themselves is rife with lies, b) aliens have taken over the bodies of these agents (or left them; your choice) and the current personality inhabiting the agency is different than the one who posted the information, or c) the wee college intern looking at the slurry of queries was busy changing the mix on his iPod and clicked "pat rejection" when he got to my query.

3. Please don't wish me well. It's condescending. You don't want me. That's all I need to know. You telling me that you will pretend for a nanosecond to give a shit about me or my book just rubs salt in the wound. Most of you are New Yorkers and would never apologize in person, so please don't have a Miss Manners Moment via e-mail.

Hope Springs Eternal

Two requests for partials today. Perhaps not all agents are complete jerk-offs.

We shall see...

Slow agents

This isn't a complaint, and in fact is more hopeful than previous posts.

After doing more research, I sent off three more queries to three more agents. Haven't heard back from any of them. This could mean that they're:

1. Thinking my query is the best damn thing ever created and have it out for framing while they write a well-considered request for the partial.

2. Are still recovering from too many gin and tonics last weekend . . . yes, still.

3. Have too many queries on the desk at the moment and will get around to rejecting it soon.

Time will tell.

How did agents get so much power?

In all honesty, the same question could (and perhaps should) be asked about people like Dick Cheney, but this is about publishing and agents; not dirty politicians.

Once upon a time, agents were little more than glorified secretaries to writers. The writers did the work to get published, then they engaged agents to handle the pesky details so the writer could, well, write. Somehow, somewhere agents managed to turn the tables, and they began calling the shots.

I find it fascinating to read that writers like Stephen King were able to get several books published before realizing that an agent might be of use to them. Today, however, publishing houses collude with agents to block writers from direct access, thus reinforcing the power of agents.

Don't misunderstand, agents can be quite useful. They often have access to legal information that writers would waste ridiculous amounts of time finding. I have also (from the side of acquisitions) seen stupid agents tank deals that authors desperately wanted to happen.

I appreciate the work of sites like Preditors & Editors, in their sort-of ranking of some agents, unfortunately it's not enough information. I appreciate that some agents give a "what I'm looking for" or "what I'm interested in" list, but again unfortunately it's not enough information.

Miss Snark is a helpful soul, acid keyboard and all, but even she demands that writers "know" prospective agents before pitching them on a book. But here's the conundrum MS, how in hell do we writers get to know you agent types when your "what I want" lists are vague at best, and there are no authors brave enough to talk frankly about specific agents when flattery is not in order?

Calling BB a scam agent is one thing . . . knowing MS well enough to know that I have the "right" book for her (or any agent) is wholly another . . .

Miss Snark

Rejection number tre

Two sentences. That's all my query was worth.

"Thanks XXX. It's not for me."

Not sure if that's better or worse than the rejections that tell me how supportive XYZ agency is of writers, but they just don't think I'm a match for them.

Whatever.

My favorite of the rejections thus far was an agent who actually had the metaphorical balls to apologize for the form rejection.

NOTE TO AGENTS: Don't apologize for something you don't really feel sorry about!!! You demean writers when you do this, which only goes to prove that you are NOT supportive of writers, even if they're "not quite right" for your agency.

Please! We're not stupid!

Scam agents

Because it's the right thing to do, here's a link to what are, in the opinion of many, the 20 Worst Agents around.

You have been warned.

Agents, agents, agents

I am a writer. I actually do make a discernable percentage of my living through writing. Much of the rest of it comes via editing or doing general communications and marketing consultation.

Several months ago, a novel that had been poking at the outer limits of my consciousness gained control of a loudspeaker and began blaring directly into my thoughtstream. If only to shut it up, I began writing it down. I'm still writing it down, but have simultaneously begun the task of finding what will soon be a finished product a publishing home.

My existing contacts in the publish world are with small publishers who specialize in non-fiction. My queries for third party contacts have come to naught thus far. So I began investigating houses with current lists into which my story would fit nicely.

Unfortunately for me, they are all "no unsolicited queries" houses. Having done acquisitions in the non-fiction realm, I do understand why this is done. For anyone who doesn't understand, suffice it to say that it has more to do with the tenuous threads of sanity to which most acquisitions editors cling so desperately than it does wanting to keep you out. Honest. That's the truth.

Thus began my search for an "agent." I've been doing more research on agents than I've done on anything in quite some time. A lot of them are pretty full of themselves. Too many think they're doing writers a favor by even reading a query. Most of them seem to have forgotten that writers are the sole reason they are employed as agents.

Some even have their own blogs. The most entertaining is perhaps that of Miss Snark. Whoever this agent may be in real life s/he is someone to whom I extend an open invitation to drinks any time, any place. I have the utmost respect for anyone willing to call a spade a spade, and not a "manual earth-moving device."

All of that said, I did come across several who seem to be human beings, and who understand that their mortgage is paid by people like me (meaning writers). So began my query construction process. Many drafts and curses later, I have what I feel is a good query. Perfect? Perhaps not, but I am unconvinced that there is such a thing as a "perfect" query.

Since polishing my query to a 50s Buick chrome shine, I have sent it to three agents. I researched the current sales and fickle favors of these individuals prior to sending my query. I don't want to waste their time any more than I wish to waste my own. Two of the three responded with a form rejection. I also understand the need for the form rejection, but it is their rejections that have sparked the creation of this blog.

The agents' websites (well, the ones who seem to view writers a human beings anyway) all say something to the effect of, "look at the stuff I'm selling and send me something like that." I did this. But I guess my story or my query didn't hit that fickle fancy quite right somehow. Their loss. Still, it irks me. I do the work, try to hit the mark, and still come up with a "Dear Author" note in return.

Therefore, I dedicate this blog to the saga of trying to place my novel with an agent. While I do not claim the same wit and acid keyboard of Miss Snark, I use her as my model in this endeavor. Snippets from some of the more assinine rejections will be posted here. If I run into any Barbara-the-scam-agent-like individuals, I'll post them here. And when I succeed, I'll tell you.

I invite other rejected writers here to bitch, moan, or otherwise engage in the sort of artistic masturbation all of us need now and again to release our pent up violence toward those who, while claiming to love us, squash us like stink bugs every chance they get.

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